Thoughts

Regrets | No Validation | Girlfriends | On Turning 30 | Motivation

Regrets

re-gret ri'gret - verb, -gret-ted, -gret-ting,–verb (used with object)
1. to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.): He no sooner spoke than he regretted it.
2. a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc.
3. a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault, act, loss, disappointment, etc.

Synonyms deplore, repent, rue
Related Word bemoan, bewail, lament; grieve, mourn, sorrow; deprecate, disapprove

No matter what way you look at it, how your pronounce it, or define it, regret sucks. Whether it is regret for not taking advantage of an opportunity knocking at your door, doing something you know you should, or something you know that you shouldn’t, boiled down, it’s not pretty. And can leave you with an empty and guilt driven feeling.

Sometimes you can chalk up a ‘regret’ to a learning experience. You went out on a limb only to find that it wasn’t a great decision and to look back on it you can say “I regret doing that… but….” But, had you known of the consequences you wouldn’t have done it. And in most cases you come out a little wiser from every “OOPS”. So lesson learned, and most of the time you won’t make the same mistake twice. But at least now you know.

There are the small regrets that you have that you keep to yourself. You regret not following through with a goal you had set, you may regret overspending on a day out at the mall, and then there is the regret for overindulging at your favorite eatery. These regrets although small, are still kept in your memory. The next time you go to buy that pair of expensive jeans or bag, you think “Um, remember the last time.” Is it healthy to remind yourself of these small regrets or is this something that we can let go of? It’s all of personal choice what we chose to remember and what we chose to let go. But sometimes it isn’t healthy and can eat away at you. It’s almost as if you are mentally beating yourself up. I mean, does it really matter that you had a piece of cheesecake two weeks ago? Well, if you are three weeks away from a fitness show, then maybe, but otherwise, what’s the big deal… because 5 years from now, even 5 months, that day and err will be forgotten..

You can regret not going to a birthday party, funeral, or otherwise social event. That happens to be how you were feeling that day, the mood that you were in, or the company that you were going to have to keep. If you made the conscious decision not to attend and now you are feeling guilty, don’t dwell on it, you can’t get that event back. Why keep torturing yourself. Be sure, though, that you keep that in your active memory so that the next time you decide not to go to, for example, a 50th anniversary party, you say to yourself ‘…remember the last time…’ and you go. You can always leave early, but like most things, when it’s gone, it’s gone, and you can’t get it back.

When it comes to contest preparation, I have always said there is no worse feeling than standing on stage with the feeling of regret… coulda, shoulda, woulda…

If you have made the choice to go after your goals whether it be a fitness contest, art show, or starting your own business, just do it. Don’t make excuses and don’t do it half assed, because when the end result comes and the final date arrives do you want to look back and have regrets? This, I tell you, is when regret will get the better part of you.
I wish I had spent more money to buy better product…
I wish I had put more time into perfecting my work
I wish I had trained harder, had less cheat meals, dieted longer.

When it is time for the unveiling of your well thought out goal, you want to be sure you have exhausted all resources in your journey toward your goal. There is nothing that you could have done to be any better than you are right at this very moment. You are at your best, the top of your game… win or lose, at the very least you can say “No Regrets”. You can walk away with your head held high. Then and only then can you begin racking your brain in order to figure out how to be better…. Better than your best. One of my favorite quotes “Don’t worry about being better than everyone else, worry about being better than you used to be.”

In my own archive of regrets I can say that a few of them were well thought out but just turned out to be wrong. Some were due to temptation and many were done under a lot of stress. A few were also caused by complete ignorance and stupidity. I can though say that within the few regrets that I do have no matter how cliché it may sound, it is with the things I did not do. Chances I may have missed, opportunities I did not act on, and things that I didn’t do. But as I had encountered that feeling, I can honestly say that I have learned to take more chances, put myself out there, and try new things. At least I can say I tried, and never wonder ‘what if.’ It can be a scary road though, so travel with care.

In the treasure chest of our brains we keep a little compartment of all our ‘regrets’. Things we should have done, and definitely things that we should not have done. Does it help to review them in some kind of formal fashion? Maybe, but this is not an easy thing to do. So in your pursuit of ‘no more regrets’, I wish you a safe journey.

Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can't build on it; it's only for wallowing in.

No Validation Needed

“No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt

Over and over again I hear it from fellow competitors and girls that I train, “…I just can’t concentrate… my head isn’t in the game… I have too much going on…” and too often than not it has to do with a guy. Whether it be someone they just started dating or a long term boyfriend, there are many guys out there that aren’t supportive and view Fitness/Figure as a distraction and as ‘something’ that takes away from their time or plan. Trust me, I understand that this is sometimes a selfish sport, as countless hours are spent in the gym, preparing food, and the prohibiting of being able to eat out or attend certain functions. There are definitely compromises that need to be made from both sides, however, I am also the first person to say “Deal with it… this is me, and what makes me happy…. Take it or leave it.”

I have seen girls give up when they are so close, or just not put 100% into a goal that they have set for themselves all due to outside forces either being unsupportive or better yet, being made to feel that what they were doing was ‘stupid’, ‘silly’, not worth the effort, or something of the like.

In the last year I had two girls back out of shows due to ‘boyfriend issues’. Now, if I tell you that I have never had ‘issues’ or times when I thought that I just couldn’t mentally handle it, it would be a lie. But I some how was able to dig deep and realize that I was doing this (in my case competing) for a reason… oh yah, cause it’s what I want to be doing. So why stop? Why not complete the journey that I have set out for myself? Because someone else doesn’t agree with it? I don’t think so!! Both girls I pleaded with to say “F” them… it’s about me, and if he can’t handle it, then too bad. Move on… go forward. But for whatever reason there are girls who let these men make them feel like what they were doing (whether it be competing or anything else) that they were less than adequate. Or for some reason or another were waiting on validation from these guys that they are worthy enough of their companionship and will do anything to please them, even give up on their aspirations or act in a way they normally wouldn’t just for that validation. Almost to the point of becoming diluted versions of themselves! Let me say this… GET OFF THE path to get corroboration from the people around you and return to your own journey. Do not become a passenger of someone else’s and instead be happy being who you are. Girls….Be you… trust me… in the end, you’ll be much happier, and when these guys are gone, you’ll still know who you are! Do not allow yourself to be subjected to these people that are clearly not supportive. By not supporting you or putting your efforts or goals down they are calling themselves out. Realize it, and move on, you are better than that.

So to all you AWESOME women out there who have been or are in a relationship like this… I say this... Embrace yourself and every step of your journey that you take, fitness and otherwise. Love yourself and respect yourself enough to know that you deserve nothing but the very best. Make all your own choices, because in the end YOU have to live with you, and sadly enough 9 out of 10 times these guys won’t be around in the long run. Please, just commit yourself to being the magnificent women that you are.

“But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.” ~ Carrie, Sex in the City



Girlfriends
Three things I have found to never fail me…Flip flops, old worn-in jeans, and my girlfriends. Armed with these, any situation can be weathered. Flip-flops are comfortable, pack well, and come in all colors. Jeans never wear out… the older they get the better they are and they go with anything. A weathered pair of jeans adds a touch of solid practicality and a little fly-by-the-seat-of-my- pants attitude. My girlfriends, my real girlfriends, that is, I have, thankfully, discovered over the last several years. “Friends”… seems like such a simple word…it’s uttered everyday to almost every person imaginable. It’s funny, I used to think that my “friends”, I mean real friends, were the people that I laughed with, talked to, and hung out with. Now, as I am older, I have realized that  friends are the people that touch your heart. You can spend hours with them doing nothing at all and it can be the best time of your life, just because it was with them. They're the people you share your secrets with, have similar interests with, cry with, laugh with, and just have fun with. They don't judge you or make you change. They accept you exactly as you are. They look at you and you look at them and see a great person…you don’t see good and bad qualities. You just love spending time together. It’s a complete acceptance of another person.

Consistently seen are buddy movies, pals-til-the-end, and coming of age stories that represent the strong bonds between men. Then there are the women… portrayed as being petty, they back stab act catty and would abandon another for the drop of a man or anything else that seems to catch their eye. THIS, I have found… is a CROCK!

In my totally unscientific research into the issue, I have found that women are the creators, the protectors and the healers of friendship.

Women create friendship opportunities. We suggest get togethers, shopping excursions, Road Trips, and coffee dates. We remember birthdays and anniversaries and make sure to stay connected to aunts, uncles, and grandparents. Woman call each other on the phone for no reason, meet for coffee, lunch, and shop just for the heck of it. In troubled times woman rally around and support each other. Woman share things.

Someone once said “Men talk about three things: Money, sports, and sex. They exaggerate how much money they make, pretend to know more about sports than they do and lie about sex. Women talk about only one thing: sex. And they never lie...“ Well, while women definitely talk about a lot more than sex, we seldom lie. Yes, we may lie to our bosses, mothers, and our significant others, but not to each other. To lie to a girlfriend is simply missing the point.

Girlfriends don’t love you because you are good or rich or beautiful. They don’t love you because you have something to offer or coat tails for them to ride on. They love you because you are you, because you love them. They love you because in trying times you cry and scream, and then laugh about it later. They love you because you get up and go to the gym like you ought to. They love you because instead of going to the gym like you ought to, you stay home and organize all of your pictures.

When you love him, they love him. When you hate him, they hate him. And when you love him again, they miraculously forget all of the bad things you said. Not necessarily because they agree with you, but because they understand.

Girlfriends are more comfortable than old warn in jeans, they are more reliable. The older they get, the more comfortable they are. They keep you fashionable, keep you from being too vain, while letting you be as crazy as you want. Like flip flops, they can walk through the mud with you and come out undamaged. They keep you from taking yourself too seriously.

Woman may have developed these complex ties to better care for the future and to look out for each other. Or because it was the best way to get the work done. Maybe we cling together to survive emotionally in a male-dominated world. Or it could just be that it’s a gift from God… because She likes us best.

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On Turning 30
Some thoughts of mine on turning 30 . . .

I am about to turn 30, so what? So what? 30 is a big deal, a significant birthday, if you will. And unfortunately, I have had difficulties with significant birthdays in the past. Why? I don’t know!

20, 21, 25… at each of these birthdays I did some moping around and not much soul searching. As I am just about a week away from the labeled “Big Day”, I am realizing that I had a more difficult time turning 29, and dealing with the anxiety of turning 30 ahead of me.

I thought turning 30 was going to be a devastating blow, for whatever reason, but I can honestly say that I've had no sudden realization that it's time to rework my life, to 'retake control' or make 'improvements'. I mean, sure, there are things in my life that need improvements and definite ‘rework’ that could be used (and I’m working on it), but isn’t that an ongoing process throughout one’s entire life. In my 20’s I lived by certain ‘quotes’, and while I will continue to encompass those, (ie: “Carpe diem”, “Just do it”) a few are added to my list, such as “You’re only as old as you feel”, and “With age, comes wisdom”.

As I am approaching 30, I decided to stop ‘freaking out’ and evaluate myself and my life. Over the past six months I’ve gotten more than my share of people saying “Don’t worry about turning 30, you look great.”, “you look younger than most people your age”, and “you are in better shape than most 20 year olds”. I had to take a step back and think, “why is that the only advice I get? Does everyone really think that is what I’m worried about?” Is it what I am worried about? I guess I understand why those would be the comments and comfort that people would offer me, given my lifestyle, and my obvious love of fitness and my involvement in the industry. Was that really what the anticipation of being 30 was? I guess that was part of it, I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t. Yes, I stay in good shape. Yes, I compete and do well in fitness. Yes, I stay on top of the latest trends and hairstyles. Yes, I am in good health…But there is more. So I challenged myself….What have I learned over the years? How have I grown as a person? Which brings us to this bout of soul searching, which was long over due…

I’ve learned that as I’ve gotten older, I have become more comfortable in my own skin.

I’ve learned that doing the right thing, means doing the right thing by my standards, not someone else’s.

I’ve learned that I don’t have to settle. I have every day of my life to do that… why do it today, or even tomorrow for that matter?

I've learned that you don't have to lie to avoid saying things that are painful. It will just bite you in the ass in the end.

I've accepted that I am capable of doing whatever I put my mind to. And have reaped the rewards and benefits to prove it.

I’ve learned that trust is one of the most significant aspects of any relationship. And to lose it, usually means losing the relationship.

I've learned to accept the fact that I am worthy of significant relationships in my life and I don't have to click to "self destruct" mode when things get intense.

I’ve learned how to compromise without compromising myself in order to make life easier or happier for other people.

I've learned that I don't have to be perfect. As long as I am healthy that shows through and defines me more than anything.

I’ve learned that I am capable of independence.

I’ve learned that just because two people love each other, does not mean they should be together.

I’ve learned that people need you to understand them more than they need you to agree with them.

I’ve learned that being a good friend and have people depend on you is just as comforting as having a good friend. And I’ve learned the importance of my friendships.

I’ve learned that it is okay to ‘grow out’ of a relationship, whether it be love, friendship or business related.

I’ve learned that people you love will hurt you. You need to make peace with it, and move on.

I’ve learned that love does come when you least expect it.

Most of all I've learned to relish my family, my mom and dad and siblings. Those people are invaluable.

I’m sure that there is more that I stumbled upon throughout the last few years of my life, but I definitely don’t have all the answers. Maybe when I am 31 I will have all the answers - if not, at the very least, I know I will be able to add to the previous list! What I do know is upon my reflection, mentally and physically, I am very content with myself and my life thus far.

I’m turning 30… So what?! Bring it on… Carpe Diem!!

"It is not by muscle, speed, or physical dexterity that great things are achieved but by reflection, force of character, and judgment; in these qualities old age is usually not only not poorer, but is even richer." – Cicero


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Motivation

Being competitive athletes we constantly hear people talk about 'motivation' and what drives them. We listen to people day in and day out giving their two cents on what we can do to achieve our goals and what we should rely on for motivation. While I value the opinion, as I'm sure you do, of everyone who wants to 'help', it is not all that often that someone says something that I either haven't heard already or truly settles in my mind and makes me really stop and think. I'm not talking about 'motivational quotes', as we all know I am big on that, but someone who says something that challenges you to dig deep. To look inside yourself.

Has someone ever said something to you and it seems to settle into an empty place inside you, that maybe you didn't know was empty? Has someone shared words that, although you had never verbalized them yourself you thought "Aha! That's how I feel!" Or "That is what I was trying to say?!" Some people have the natural born ability to do that; interpret feelings into words or to simply motivate. They may motivate you by telling you their "story" and what they learned and got out of their experience. Or just by being so charismatic and excited about their own goals, whatever they may be. Have you heard a story so inspirational that you could apply the same train of thought to your own life and you are able to draw on that person or their story each time you were unable to find your own motivation?

I recently had a conversation with someone who, in my opinion, by their own right is amazing. This person played by life's "rules", and lived the "norm". Marines, College, Professional Career, etc. And one day with an alternative vision in mind, decided "Nah, this isn't for me." And went ahead to pursue dreams… dreams that weren't the 'norm', dreams that people around him, even the ones who by family default should have supported, turned their noses up at. Being told that he couldn't/shouldn't do it, and it was a complete risk, went ahead and did it anyway. Why? Because he was passionate about it, and he believed not only in his vision, but in himself. A quality that everyone should be so lucky to possess. As he chronicled the events of his journey, and his struggles through the lows and disappointments of pursuing his highest aspirations I found myself completely rapt in his story. More so, than the story itself, but I was utterly intrigued by his outlook, enthusiasm and perseverance on his road to accomplishing what he set out to do. As well as humbled, upon hearing about the sacrifices he was willing to make along the way. He sat with visible tears in his eyes replaying how even when shooting for the stars and not hitting them the first, second, and even the third times, he refused to become discouraged. It only made him try harder, as he was determined to prove to himself and to everyone else that he undoubtedly would achieve what he had set out to do. He was coming closer still with every small accomplishment all the while still shooting straight up and keeping his sights set on the "Big Picture", which of course, had grown and grown. If in the end of his quest he didn't accomplish what he set out to do, no one could ever say he didn't try and more importantly, no one could ever say he failed. Consequently, he did accomplish what he set out to do and then some. He is still on his quest of success, and his horizons are broader by the day. Now instead of shooting for the stars, he is shooting higher and further.

Within the same conversation we discussed fitness and goals within the support. I explained the preparation, the training, subjectivity of the sport, and how you just never know who is going to show up the day of the show and what 'package' they will bring. All you can do is prepare yourself to the best of your ability and hope that it works out in your favor and you place well. "F@$K that!" he said "Why even bother competing, if that is your attitude?! Why not just work out and look good, and not worry about all this other stuff like suits and routines and show times?" What? I had to stop and think about what he just said. Then I got it. Although someone else may hear this statement and it may mean nothing, for me it was a 'light bulb' moment. I don't know if it's because of the context that it was put in, the enthusiasm and the encouragement it was said with, or this amazing and successful person that was relaying it, but it hit me, and it stuck. While I don't completely agree with the statement because I truly love to compete and I will continue to do so, as long as I keep on doing well, I completely understood the point he was making. He continued on saying "You shouldn't even be concerned with who is showing up that day… your biggest competitor is yourself. Every time you walk into that gym you should compete with yourself. You should be your own biggest competition." Although I have heard this uttered in different variations before, this time it came at me blind side and it stuck. It stuck somewhere deep inside me, and I use this conversation that has so subtly made a place for itself in the back of my conscience… to call on when I feel that I need that extra motivation.

At the end of my conversation with him, I said "Now what are you shooting for?" His answer….. "People ask me where I am going now, and I say 'Pluto'. Damn Mutha F&@ckers already walked on the Moon, and hell, people even touched on Mars. I'm going where no one hans been." And with that… the conversation was over.

Although there is no real 'point' to my story. I just wanted to share with you the fact that motivation comes from all around. Whether you are preparing for a fitness competition, setting out on an uncharted path in your life, or just trying something new, you will undoubtedly run into a wall at one point or another. You will need to find some external motivation. So be aware in your daily interactions. And the next time you need to draw on yourself for motivation, I encourage you to dig deep. You just never know what you may find.

Regrets | No Validation | Girlfriends | On Turning 30 | Motivation